Deep down inside, only once confessed and that was to my husband, I had this great fear that I would not love being a mom. I had wanted this so badly but now that it was so close I was unsure that maybe I overplayed how wonderful motherhood would be and overestimated how much love I could give. Maybe the mother's love thing was a cliche and I wouldn't bond with my baby when he was born. Not to mention, postpartum depression was a real thing and maybe a baby would push me off the edge. The closer my due date got the more uncertain and terrified I became. All I knew is that I did not feel this amazing connection with the baby growing inside of me and I did not enjoy being pregnant. I loved him sure but I also loved mint chocolate chip ice cream and beautiful Fall days. I was looking forward to him arriving but I also looked forward to holidays and weekends. I probably wasn't capable of this whole mother thing but now it was too late. There was no going back.
On the day my water broke the moment felt very unreal. As crazy as it sounds, I felt like I was on the outside watching this happen to someone else. Being admitted, nurses trying to prepare me, none of it felt like this was really happening and the uncertainty felt like a weight on my chest. And then the moment came when a little being wriggled his way into this big world and I held him, my son, for the very first time. It was in that moment that I realized that a mother's love, is in fact, very real. I felt overwhelmed with it and was in tears with him. This little baby was mine and I loved him, I really, really did.
Along with that overwhelming love came a sense of relief. I knew this baby and I would be okay, because God is good and knows what He is doing. Because somewhere, I had had that love all along. I had just been too consumed with my own fears to realize that every little kick I felt that made me smile, every feeling of peace at hearing his heartbeat and the joy at each ultrasound was a mother's love. The fear of losing him, the drive to eat right even when I really didn't want to and the pressure to prepare a safe haven in our home was a mother's love already put into motion.
I'm nothing more than a naive rookie. I've been a mom for not quite four weeks but I already have learned that being a mom is hard work. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. I still have so very much to learn but I can already say that motherhood is one of the most rewarding "jobs" God has ever blessed me with and I'm so thankful He did.